How well do we harness the power of listening?

The following is a recent conversation between a boss and a subordinate who are working at multiple options at diffusing a critical situation

Subordinate: I have analyzed the situation and there are 2 possible options. Option 1 costs C1 and provides benefits B1, B2 and B3. Option 2 costs C2 (which is greater than C1) and provides benefits B1, B2, B4, B5. In my opinion, we should go for Option 1

Boss: Good analysis. I would still recommend that we go for Option 2 because cost is not a major consideration at this stage. Further the client has specified that B4 and B5 are an absolute must while the other benefits are nice to have.

Subordinate: I totally agree with you. However I think that we should go for option 1 as C1 as it costs us less.

Boss (a little surprised but still retains his cool): Did you listen to what I said? The client definitely needs B4 and B5 and so option 2 is the way to go.

Subordinate: I completely agree with you. Nevertheless we as a firm don’t sometimes understand that cost is the main problem with our operations. So we should go with option 1

Boss (now getting irritated): Ok, I don’t think that you are listening to me. Further I don’t want to lose any more time. I have made the decision. Please proceed with Option 2.

Subordinate (now animated): I totally agree with you. But I think we should explore Option 1.

Boss (now close to bursting out): Time out buddy!!!. Get going with option 2 and if you can’t do it, I will get another guy to do it.

Subordinate (goes out grumpy and murmuring to himself): This idiot!!! Doesn’t listen to reason. He has no respect for individual views. And finally takes a silly decision.

I am sure that people would agree that the above is not a unique situation  and that all of us have faced this quite often. Many times, we have been the grumpy subordinate and at a number of times, have been the boss who has to try hard to make reason with his subordinate. Interestingly both the boss and subordinate in most cases are intelligent and sensible individuals who have the best interests of the stakeholders. But then what causes this discord?

The more I think of it, I begin to come to the conclusion that the primary culprit in this case (who, in my view is the subordinate) and in general in other similar cases is the inability to listen to what the other person says. For instance in the above example, the subordinate who has every right to disagree with his boss is not engaging in a constructive dialogue for the following reasons

• He first wants to be seen as an understanding person and starts the conversation by saying "I agree with you". A few other euphemisms that are in vogue are "I hear you". If he really did agree with what the boss said, there was no reason for any further debate. That is a first indication that while he has been hearing to what his boss said, he has not been listening.

• The boss who in general must have a better understanding of the bigger picture has specified clearly that the client is looking for only B4 and B5 and that cost is not a major consideration at this stage. The subordinate could have disagreed with this and pointed out why he disagreed with this hypothesis. Instead he again starts with "I agree with you but". This only irritates the boss as it is very clear to him that the subordinate is not listening.

• In essence, the subordinate is fixated on the solution and feels passionately about it but not on the problem. This is good but then any solution needs to be assessed with respect to what is the problem that is being handled. Defining the scope of the problem is always the first step to defining the right solution.

I believe that this behavior seems to be getting more and more common in today’s world because in the quest to make our voice heard, we have forgotten to listen to somebody else's voice. Yes, it is important to speak your mind, let people know what is your point of view but what is more important than all of this is to clearly know your audience and then present the proposition to the audience in such a way that ensures that the right decision to come out. We have to remember that debate is not a monologue and listening to an argument is sometimes more important than commenting/reacting to it.  Increasingly I find myself mediating in situations where for some funny reasons, both warring parties keep saying exactly the same point of view but keep arguing because neither is willing to listen to the other. Very often, the only thing that I do is to create an environment where each of the parties are given an option to articulate their position and the other party has to acknowledge/disagree point by point rather than jump to generalizations or past history. Invariably once this is done, both the parties are able to come to a logical understanding pretty quickly.

Sometimes, a position of belligerence or an extreme point of view is adopted in a controlled position so as to dictate the proceedings of a negotiation. In this case, even the person taking the stand is listening to the others but is sticking to a definite point of view with an ulterior motive. Even in these cases, listening effectively will help us get a few clues on how to diffuse the stalemate. Not listening at all and just hearing the words is only going to move things to an argumentative and rhetoric stalemate from where recovery is almost always exceptionally painful than if the receiver listened to the argument with an open mind and responded appropriately. We will have to remember that disagreements are absolutely welcome and highly respected as long as the disagreeing party lays it out in a sensible manner and after providing due respect to the person with whom he is disagreeing with.

Listening is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it has immense potential and the folks how have harnessed its power are definitely better influencers than the ones who just stop at hearing and go on the aggressive only to find that it has not got them anywhere.  But is anybody listening?

Does Fear of Failure(FOF) ultimately makes us a loser?

As I was wading through the maddening Chennai traffic en-route to work, a familiar sight greeted me. An auto rickshaw driver blatantly came on the wrong side of the road and bludgeoned his way through the traffic (with absolutely no regard for the anguish it was causing the other folks on the road) only to get stuck at the next signal. The interesting point is that he would probably have reached the same point even if he had followed the traffic rules. This set me thinking on what triggers this kind of behavior. Many of us are familiar with the concepts of the zero-sum game and the Prisoner's dilemma which are principles that do dictate human behavior by piggy-backing on one of mankind's pet phobia - The Fear Of Failure (FOF)

Thinking aloud, one begins to wonder if we are all victims of FOF in some way or the other. Our lives, habits and behavior are getting increasingly determined by not what we really want but by the peer pressure or competition which are nothing but manifestations of FOF. Andy Grove in his landmark book "Only the paranoid survive" advocated the need for firms and individuals alike to reinvent themselves so that they can be relevant to the markets or enterprises that they serve. To ensure that this is followed, he had propagated that both firms/individuals should be paranoid about the next wave that is coming and ensure that they ride the wave. Through FOF, we seem to be carrying this principle to rather ridiculous levels. Increasingly employees are getting upset not by their ratings but about better ratings that their colleagues obtain. They want to get promoted not because they performed well but because some other guy is getting promoted. Even parents or grandparents fall victims to this phenomenon as they indulge in a competition to showcase the achievements of their little kids. I came to know of an acquaintance who claimed that his 3-year old grandson could actually boil vegetables (LOL). In the name of competition or even innovation, we are slowly but surely becoming like the auto rickshaw driver. The key point to note is that this attitude did not really propel the driver to beat the traffic. As more people started adopting the same, it only lead to chaos and the driver actually had to spend more effort to reach the same point which he could have very well got to with minimal effort by following the traffic rules in the first place. Firms are no different. Advertising for instance is becoming more and more mean with firms trying to portray the virtues of their products by pointing out not what they have but by pointing to what their competition does not have.  As more and more folks start doing the same, the competitive edges start getting diluted leading people to an even higher level of FOF.

FOF ensures that its advocates stay in a constant state of tension. They need to be aware of all that their peers or colleagues are doing. In many a case, this state of tension makes them undertake immoral/unethical practices that possibly may help them get some temporary competitive edge but ultimately does take its toll in different ways. Paul Coelho in his masterpiece “The alchemist” mentions that "If you try hard enough, the whole universe conspires to get it done for you”. While I subscribe to this view, I also believe in the fact that “The universe manages to retain the balance by ensuring that with every gain, there is always a loss”. In a war, every inch of land is gained through loss of lives. In most business, every marginal point increase in market share seems to come with ever increasing costs that sometimes seems to be dilute the business case for the increase in market share. Every penny obtained through illegal means brings with it a loss of peace of mind. By being victims of FOF, the practitioners do gain temporary fame or quick wins, but generally tend to lose their peace of mind or state of health.

In my personal experience, I have found that discarding this FOF gives one the tremendous confidence to do the right thing. One still has to subscribe to the rules that govern but the amount of support that the universe provides is just amazing. However discarding this attitude is not very easy and at best, I have been able to stay clear of it for weeks if not months. It does have a funny way of reinforcing its ugly head once too often.

It is indeed times like this that I keep telling my 7-month old daughter “never to grow up” lest she be engulfed in the flame of FOF. I am sure that excellence can be achieved without FOF. And that possibly is the way to make the world a better place as we would all be better human beings. But is anybody listening? After all it is time we replace the "what's in it for me?" with "what is the right thing to do?"